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     Things to ponder on.

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
     
    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
    a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
     
    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
     
    Life is sexually transmitted.
     
    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
     
    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
     
    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks  about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
     
    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
     
    In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
     
    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
     
    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
     
    Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
     
    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
     
    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
     
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
     
    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
     
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
     
    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

  • HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
    The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
    endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
    I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.


    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

  • Had a lovely family barbie this last weekend. Although the weather here in the UK has been better than in the Med for weeks, and the solar panels have been giving us more hot water than we can handle, we were lucky to pick Sunday, as Saturday gave us our first heavy rain and overcast skies for ages.


    Sara & Adam and family, John & Amanda and family and cousins Luc and Jackson made up the team, and lots of fun was had by all !


    Adam & Sara did all the cooking, so Madge and I chilled out and just enjoyed all the family stuff. Ain’t life just grand !


    Pics below show Adam & Sara on the kids’ table tennis table while Madge sets up a table umbrella, Tom and Katie on the Ice Hockey and Katie enjoying the rocking horse while Sam takes down the Gazebo at the end.


     





     


     


     

  • Nobody believes Senior Citizens of course. They regard them as senile.

     

    An elderly couple, celebrating their 60th anniversary and having moved to their home town after they retired, decided to visit the school where they had been childhood sweethearts.

    The school was open when they got there, and they even found the desk where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally !

    On their way home, a security van passed them and a large bag flew out and landed at their feet.

    When they examined it, they found it contained thousands of pounds in used ten pound notes.

    “We’ll have to hand this in to the police,” said Andy.

    “Finders keepers !” said Sally, and when they got home she stuffed the bag in the loft.

    Next day, two CID officers toured the area making door-to-door enquiries, and when they got to Andy and Sally’s house, Andy came straight out with it. “We’ve got the bag of money up in the loft,” he blurted out.

    Sally then piped up “Don’t believe him- he’s getting senile. He’s imagining things.”

    Andy protested “No I’m not- the bag of money is up in our loft like I said.”

    One of the CID men turned to Andy and said, “Right then sir, just tell us what happened right from the beginning.”

    Andy began, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…….”

    Whereupon the CID man turned to his colleague and said “Come on Fred- we’re outta here !”


  • Here is a collection TV & Radio  double   entendre gaffes On Air here in the UK.


    A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to snow but didn’t do so, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So, Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”
    Not only did HE have to leave the set, but most of the crew did as well, because they couldn’t stop laughing.


    US PGA commentator:- “One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that , before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…………….omigod !!……….. What did I just say ?”


    Metro Radio – “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks out there on the field !”


    Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – “Ah! Isn’t that nice ! The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew !”


    Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked – “They look cold out there- they’re rubbing each other up -  and he’s come in his shorts !”


    Jack Burnickle was talking aabout Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wishes he had a hard on now !”


    Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night “


    New Zealand rugby commentator : “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.


    Willie Carson was telling Clare Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when  he said “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”


    The new stand a t Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott’s breath away: “My word,” he said, “Look at that magnificent erection !”


    James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello ?”


    Clair Fisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said, “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this !”


    Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks heprefers to do it by himself.”


    “Winning Post’s” Stuart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees !”


    Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: Well, Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg !”



     

  • Dilbert Quotes



    A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions.



    1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)


    2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)


    3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)


    4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)


    5. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)


    6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


    7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)


    8. Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)


    9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)


    10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)


    11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)


    12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)


    13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)


    14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “Lucent Technologies is determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!”


    15. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

  • If there are websites out there which require you to give your e-mail address, but you feel they might be a bit iffy and cause a  deluge of spam, i.e. competition sites, joke sites etc., – or if, for any reason, you are reluctant to reveal your real e-mail address to an unknown person or organization, the answer is to register with a site which gives you a free ”temporary” e-mail address.

     

     Any replies to that address, spam etc. then go to that “temporary”address and not your real one. After a few days, the replies are removed automatically by the server.

     

    This type of sevice is usually free, and one of the easiest to use is     www.mytrashmail.com

    You just go to the site and register a bizarre username which is unlikely to be duplicated such as iloveyorkiebars and you then become iloveyorkiebars@mytrashmail.com

    You remain anonymous and are only known by your chosen username, and any incoming replies to your “temporary” address are stored for up to 5 days before being deleted by the server.

     

    You then give this as your e-mail address to sites you are not too sure about, and can pick up any replies within 5 days by logging in to  mytrashmail.com whenever you want to access them.

     

    You can test your fake address by e-mailing it from your real address and checking the mail on the site. I’ve used this site a few times now, haven’t found any snags so far,  and it gives me a bit more peace of mind.

  • Did you spot the once-in-a-century statistic that occurred at two minutes and three seconds past one o’clock on last Thursday, the 4th of May, in the UK ?


    This gives the time and date as 01/02/03/04/05/06.


    In the USA this would have occurred a month earlier, on the fifth of April, as they put month before day.

  • I was listening recently to a radio programme here in the UK about the Dickin Medal (the animals’ version of the VC)  


    An example of the Dickin medal


    The Medal came into being in 1943 at the suggestion of a pioneering woman, Maria Dickin, who had founded the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA) in 1917. During the Second World War she felt inspired by the displays of bravery shown by animals used in active service to introduce a medal to recognise their efforts. In the program, it was mentioned that dogs were trained by the War Office to parachute silently and  round up men, without barking, who had parachuted at night and landed over a wide area.


    You can find out more at:


    www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/animals_vc.shtml
    Below is a small extract from this Webpage, which also has audio tracks of the actual radio programme.



    Parachuting dogs? Surely not? But yes, during the Second World War a working farm dog – a collie called Rob – was to play a vital role in being parachuted in behind enemy lines with his SAS unit where he was trained to watch over and protect the exhausted men as they slept inbetween carrying out their undercover operations. He made over 20 descents during his time with Units in North Africa and Italy. In addition to those dogs serving abroad with regiments, some dogs played a vital role at home. Beauty was a wire-haired terrier who led one of the PDSA’s Animal Rescue Squads that operated during the Second World War. Beauty’s role was to seach for pet animals that had become trapped with their owners in the rubble following bombing raids in London. She came to be thought of as the pioneer dog for this kind of work and in her wartime service rescued 63 animals. She received her Dickin Medal in 1945.


    A Webpage about the contribution of US dogs to the war effort is at:


    http://community-2.webtv.net/Hahn-50thAP-K9/K9History8/


     


     


     

  • Here’s a little tale I made up using genuine names from the UK Electoral Register. By typing these unlikely names into the search box on www.yourenotme.com the number of adults in the UK with that name can be found. In the tale below, each name is followed by this number in brackets :-


    Going over to the window, Eileen Dover (5) the sill and looked out. It looked like a nice Sonny Day (2), so I decided to go for a stroll. I saw George Cross (154) over the road, so I Chris Cross (3)-ed over the road and nearly tripped over Arthur Brick (2) that had fallen off the wall. What a lovely spring day, I thought….the Theresa Green (122) and the Rose Bush (6) in the Rose Garden (1) looked lovely. That can’t be Peter Wheater (1) over there?…Shirley Knott (22). He used to go out with Shirley Valentine (15 ) before opening a pub with a little pint-sized girl called Jill Beer (7).


    Even though I’m a bit of a Billy Bunter (1) I wouldn’t have gone out with her – not at Noah Price (2) ….she had a Hugh Jarse (1) nearly as big as the Albert Hall (322).


    I was trying to decide whether to see the latest Harry Potter (35) movie or see a Donald Duck (2) cartoon show when I saw these guys leap out of a car into the local HSBC and Natwest banks.


    They’re Robin Banks (2) I thought…. what a gamble. They May Winn (1) or they May Knott (3). Then I saw a terrific blonde across the street and I couldn’t see any sign of a pantie line under her short skirt. “Nicholas Totty” (2) I stammered. “You’ve got to be Joe King” (4) said a voice behind me, “That’s no Nicholas Bird !” (93).


    It was old schoolmate and amateur pole vaulter Ivor Longstaff (1).


    “Oh hi, mate,” I responded, “You still a slater and tiler?”. “Moved to the country now, mate, I’m a Ruth Thatcher (5) now.”


    As I passed a furniture shop on the way back to my pad, I thought I must stick my hand in my Lucy Lockett (3) and buy a new Ida Down (5) for the bed, but I hadn’t enough money. Anyway, I had enough for a bottle of Olive Hoyle (2) although Ivor Lott (1) of those at home already. As I passed a shop selling stamps, I thought “Ivor Penny (4) in my Lucy….pity it won’t buy me a genuine Penny Black ! (5)”


    I felt in my Lucy Lockett again…… and yes…. still had some Annie Seed (1) balls left.


    I’m a sucker for them !

jonram

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